On Depression

   It has been quite some time since I last posted, but something happened today that I cannot pass to share. We had a lesson today on how to stand strong in difficult times. This lesson seems to have come too late to some however. Earlier during our testimony meeting, one of the bishopric members stood and informed us that one of the young men he had worked with in a different ward had taken his life as well as one of the young women who lives in Wyview Park. It was devastating news to say the least. I feel a personal tie anytime people talk about depression and/or suicide. I have struggled with seasonal depression and during my teen years I contemplated suicide a few different times. I saw no reason to continue, just like the aforementioned individuals. Unfortunately, they also followed through with their thoughts whereas I was able to block them out. And this is where I begin my story. 
   In our lesson the instructor talked about how as long as we have faith in God and his plan for us, then we can be and will be happy. That's hard news to take as someone who has struggled with depression and knows the feeling of doing everything 'right' and still feeling like a failure. The next sentence we were told is that our instructor felt that both of these people lacked the faith that he was talking about. I was infuriated at that comment! Depression is a mental illness that does not care about how your faith is. Depression is not simply having a bad day. As Psychology Today defines it, 

"A depressive disorder is not a passing blue mood but rather persistent feelings of sadness and worthlessness and a lack of desire to engage in formerly pleasurable activities." 

   Elder Jeffrey R. Holland spoke at the October 2013 General Conference and said this of depression:

"[It is] so severe that it significantly restricts a person's ability to function fully, a crater in the mind so deep that no one can responsibly suggest it would surely go away if those victims would just square their shoulders and think more positively."

   I've known a lot of people who have struggled with depression, and as I said, I struggle with seasonal depression. I know people who have struggled with bipolar disorder, another form of depressive disorder. It's not easy. It's not that we are choosing to think negatively or choosing to not think positively, there is almost literally a mental block that takes time to overcome. There is no easy fix. It sounds wonderful, truly it does, but it's just not there. 

   Depression is a situation that many people avoid talking about for these reasons. It's hard to understand and it doesn't make sense. To the logical mind one would say "Just think more positively," but as is stated above, that's not how depression works. I've had days where I wake up and my mind is full of thoughts of failure. In everything from school, aspirations, lifestyle, the list could go on forever. And that mood continues. It debilitates you as a person. You spend days trying to find the reason for you to be here, and for some that reason doesn't come. Their frustration increases and the depression steepens. And in the end it doesn't matter how strong their faith is, some of them will end their lives. Let us not think that their actions reflected their level of faith. Their actions reflect a battle that they fought sorely. I'm not trying to advocate suicide, or say that it's not as bad as you think, but those individuals were fighting hard. Let us honor how long they fought, and mourn the fact that they chose to end. Let's not try to make claims about them and their faith when we stand on the outside. 

   Finally, if you are one struggling with depression in any of it's forms, I want you to know that I do believe that God has a plan for all of us. He knows your struggle, and He cheers on every victory blow you make. He wants you to be successful. He wants you to continue onward. Don't give up. Press forward and keep fighting strong. God speed!

Within two years

Two years ago today my stresses were completely different from what they are today. I didn't worry about how I was doing in school, or what classes I would be taking next semester. I didn't even know where I was going to school. I didn't think about who I was dating, who I would marry, or when I would marry. I had no thoughts about an income earning job, few thoughts on my career and hardly any thoughts about pop culture and society. Two years ago today my concerns included who were we teaching, what would I study in the morning, who could we invite to church, if we would find new people to teach. My concerns aren't the only thing that was different about that time. Two years ago today my life was filled with God's spirit. I had hardships, but I could face them. Although I have seasonal depression and lived in a country with three hours of daylight max in the winter, I could handle it. I served others all day, which made me happy. I talked and laughed with my fellow missionaries about all the little things we did. I was a happy individual. But then I came home, and somewhere in that transition I lost my ability to cope with the hardships. I easily slipped out of habits formed on my mission such as reading my scriptures daily and even praying. Life was 'back to normal' I thought. 

But it wasn't. Once you know the feeling of happiness, you can't pretend that you don't know what it is. Once you know that a lemon is sour, you can't pretend that it is sweet. As I went about my 'back to normal' life, I felt unsatisfied. There was simply something missing, and I couldn't explain what it was. Even though Provo offers hours more sunlight than Reykjavík ever will, my seasonal depression took vengeance on me. I felt like I would hit brick walls in my study and in my life in general. And for some reason, I just couldn't figure out what it was that I was missing. Even after two years of having joy with me almost all the time, I couldn't remember what it was that had given me that joy. 

This semester I was offered a job as an Icelandic teacher at the Missionary Training Center, or MTC. I have wanted to work at the MTC as a teacher for a while, but since missionaries come very rarely for Icelandic, the opportunities are few and far between. When the job was offered, I applied and was accepted. For the past week I have been meeting with the missionaries as someone who did not know anything about the Mormon church. It was a blast for me to experience what it is like to be taught by our missionaries. It was also a great time for me to feel God's spirit.

Today I went in, as myself, to teach. The missionaries now know me as 'Steini', the Icelander who wanted to learn more about the church, but today they met Brother Schofield, their teacher. It was such a great experience! We went over some language skills and we talked about stress and missionary work. But there was one thing that I noticed today that is helping me to remember what Öldungur Schofield had that I have been putting to the side. God's spirit is so prevalent in that classroom. These elders, only 18-year-olds, talk about how they can help each other when stressed. They talk about the ability that we have to communicate with God through prayer and the strength we can receive as we pray. They have helped me remember what was so unique about my two-year experience in Iceland. I was never alone there, and I don't mean that I was always with another missionary. I always had God's spirit with me. I had someone there to strengthen me and to guide me. 

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto you souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

                                                                                            -Matthew 11:28-30

As I spent my two years serving others, I was given rest unto my soul. I was given the chance to see how I could find peace in a life that will never stop moving and changing. I was given a chance to see how I could have God's spirit to guide me, to strengthen me, and to be with me. After coming home I put this knowledge to the side, but after this week? I see what it is that I have lost, and what I need to do to find it again. And I will find it again, because I could use that spirit in my life again. 

Temples to dot my life!

It all started a long time ago, when I was just a child and my parents worried about how to raise there kids in a good way. Coming from an LDS family (commonly known as Mormon) my parents made a decision. Just like King Mosiah, a prophet in the Book of Mormon, they asked us to turn ourselves towards the temple. Temples are places of learning, where we can go to our Heavenly Father and ask for his help with our problems or just go to feel His spirit. They're incredibly beautiful and full of inspiration. So, what better option for my parents than to point their children to the temple? 

Jordan River Temple

South Jordan, Utah

As a child, my parents gave each of us pictures of a temple. They decorated our rooms for many years, but were eventually lost or just set aside. But that didn't stop us. By this point we were old enough to enter the temple and do baptisms for our ancestors. Our parents obviously stressed that, in line with them pointing us to the temples. I can remember days where my father would take off work just so he could drive the youth of our congregation down to Oklahoma City to attend the temple. When we went on road trips we would make a point to stop at temples if they were nearby, including Denver, CO; Nauvoo, IL; Reno, NV; St. Louis, MO; and Albuquerque, NM. This brought about a new game in the family: the temple game. Game rules are super simple, whoever has attended and done work in the most temples is in first place and it goes down from there. Dad will probably be in the lead for many many years to come. He has those extra years, ya know. Meanwhile, us kids are battling it out for a second to Dad. 

This was my motivation for a while to go to new temples. It certainly made it a thrill when I had the opportunity to go through the temple in Copenhagen, Denmark.  But I was still a ways behind. When I came out to Utah for school my dad made it a point to go to some of the temples out here to "up my list" so to say. The void quickly set in. If that was my only reason for going, then why was I going? Was there any point really? No, to be honest it sucked out all the joys of the temple. 

But don't give up hope there, I had already begun to think differently about attending temples. While on my mission I met a man who had lived in America and I think was in the military as well. He had a giant map in his garage with push pins in every city he had been to; and let me tell you, his map was packed!! Around that time I began to think of all the temples that "dot the Earth". What if my new challenge was not to go to more temples than my brothers and sisters, but instead just to attend the many various temples? What if I had a giant map, and on it I had a picture of every temple that I had attended? I latched onto this idea, and after that day I have pushed myself to attend different temples just as a personal goal. Something just for me. 

This year I have set the goal to attend all of the temples in Utah. As of today, when I attended Jordan River, I am officially half way to that goal. My lifetime goal is quite a bit bigger. I have a goal to attend every LDS temple. I know, it sounds absurd and it's a massive goal being as there are dozens of temples outside of America and more being built all the time. But it's what I want, I want the temple to dot my life!

Changing the World

Another day, another rant from me. Again, this one involves being an art major and questions raised by this. Now for the context: English, Writing about the Arts and Humanities. We began discussing our research papers today and we were asked why we do research? Is it really necessary? In case you're wondering, this is not the question I seek to answer. I think we can all agree that there are good points to doing research and we will all do some research at some point in our lives. But the answer we had in class was that it was necessary because we all have an obligation to better the world. Now, I could go off on obligation for hours because I'm not a fan of the view we took on that in class. But, what is it that we do that betters the world? Is it research? Is research the only way? No, obviously not. But the way our discussion went seemed to point more that way and towards majors that use research way more than an art major. And here I begin. 

So, take a seat in my shoes. You're an art major. You want nothing more than to have gallery shows, for people to applaud your name because your name stands behind art that inspires and uplifts. You don't want an office job, you want a studio. You want paint to riddle your clothes; you want ideas to fill every inch of paper you own. But you don't want research. The very thought is repulsive and you cast it as far away from you as possible. If you can call studying art research, than that is the research you will do. The only things you truly enjoy studying are colors and patterns. Now, ask yourself. What do you do that improves the world for good?

What did you come up with? Anything? You didn't find a cure to cancer. You're not a CEO of a company, and you certainly didn't found a company. You don't run a city. In the eyes of too many, you've done nothing. 

But if you're like me, you came up with a whole list of things that you did that were good for the world. You captured a moment of peace in the mountains, just as the sun was setting and the world was slowly covered in a haze of cool colors. Maybe you're a photographer and you've created a memory that won't fade over time, one that carries on past the lives of those involved. Graphic Design? You're the reason people associate certain colors and shapes with the business you worked for. Sculpture? You decorate the houses of thousands. No matter which art form you used, you made a lasting difference on someone's life. On some of my hardest days I am lifted out of the darkness after seeing a piece of art that is truly inspirational. 

So, did you do something to affect the world for the better? Yeah, you did. And what you did inspired someone, changed them for the better. Changing the world isn't something that can only be achieved through the sciences or business. Changing the world is about you being you and doing what you love. The things you do will have an effect, they will change others. And maybe that is done through the sciences. Awesome! You've done what I couldn't. But let me return the favor by doing what you can't, and let me live my dream in the art world. We can both change the world, but we have to do it our own way. Be you, and love you. Enough of the comparisons. I'm truly sick of hearing about all the great things I could be doing if I was doing something else. Trust me, I've thought about all of those options. What I want to do is be an artist, and that's the road I travel. 

Stereotype Smasher!

   I've always hated stereotypes. They seem to dominate our culture though, looming over each individual reminding us of the "flaws" and "imperfections" we have. However, those "flaws" and "imperfections" are not necessarily actual flaws, just ways that we differentiate from others. As I stated, I have always hated stereotypes. Why, you ask? Well, I am not a stereotype. I don't live up to any of them. Ready for me to show you? First things first, I'm male. However, I don't really like sports but I do love shopping. I have no desire to be an engineer or a doctor, no, I want to be an artist. I have a higher pitched voice and I scream like a girl, seriously. I talk a lot. I like things to be super organized. I actually do enjoy cleaning. I love to cook, and not on a grill, just your every day kitchen cooking. Baking? Heck yes!! So, as you can see, I'm not the stereotypical guy. And I learned that quick because everyone in middle school and high school felt the need to point it out. And it led to me literally hating myself. I hated to hear my voice. I hated to see myself in the mirror. I'm not the guy every said I should be, and so I hated myself. But why?

   Luckily for me, I had a truly great group of friends and I have an outstanding family. My friends kept the stereotypical comments to a low, although occasionally even they would throw out a reminder of the things I hated. My family has been the same way, but they are much better at keeping my mind off of the stereotypes. My mom has been one of the biggest helps for me. I've talked to her for hours about the things that I hate. She always knows what to say and how to help. I guess it helped that she had been through some similar experiences when she was younger. Over time my friends and family helped me to learn that it was okay to be me. It didn't matter that I wasn't the stereotype, it was okay for me to be my unique self. It's been a rough road, and I'm still traveling that road. There are still days when I hate myself, but they are growing fewer and less common. But this isn't about me, this is about the stereotypes of society.

   So, where does that tie in? Well, I'm a major music junkie. Major. I will listen to just about anything and then instantly love it. And recently I've noticed a change in our music. We're now just singing about how much we love sex and partying anymore. And we're also getting over the sappy or depressing love stories. No, we're moving into something new, and it's something that I believe is breaking the walls of our stereotypes. Two songs in particular have really hit me recently. One is by Meghan Trainor (that's right, All About that Bass) and the other is by Taylor Swift (Shake it Off). Both songs have been simultaneously loved and hated by the general population. The people who love these songs hear the message that I hear. The haters? Well, as Taylor tells us, "haters gonna hate". The message that I get from both of these songs is to just be you, and forget about the stereotypes! Meghan specifically focuses on the weight of women, saying that it's okay to not be a "stick-figure, silicone barbie-doll". Taylor just encourages people to "shake it off", referring to the judgments of other people.

   As one who has struggled with self-esteem because of the taunts of the stereotypes we project, I can't help but love these songs. They move mountains in my mind. It's fine to be you! It's okay to be the stereotype-smashing kid who doesn't want to live in the shackles we've created. Just be you, and rock it! A coworker asked me last night if every one in my family was as 'odd' (she couldn't think of a better word at the time) as I am. I laughed a little and said "Nope, not really. I'm the clown of my family." And that's the truth. I am an individual. I'm not just like everyone else in my family, and I certainly do think of myself as quite unique in that setting. My name is James. I love to joke around, even with the most serious of topics. I love art. I love music. And I'm not a stereotypical person. No, I'm a stereotype smasher. They can't exist where I am, and I love it that way!

The Perks of Being an Art Major

So today was an adventure for me, one that made me question the future I have planned for myself. What was this adventure? Going to Utrecht Art Materials in Salt Lake to buy the materials I need for my Painting class. Have you ever looked at the prices of paints and other art supplies? If not, here's a quick rundown: 

37 ml. oil paint: $11.99 - $42.75

1 gallon of artist grade Gesso: $83.99

Assorted Hog Hair Paint Brushes: $6.80- $21.25

150 ml. oil paint: $42.99

32 oz. Turpenoid: $18.99

and the list could go on forever...

I assume that at this point I'm not the only one who is questioning my major. It's kinda pricey, in fact it's ridiculously pricey! And I completely skipped on buying watercolors today. Even still I spent close to $300 dollars on these supplies. (All the above prices are without the sale, which cut my bill in half!) So why do I stay in such a ridiculous major? There is no guarantee that I will make it big as an artist and most people think that being an art major is like throwing your future at the wall. So why stay? Why push yourself into the darkness, from which you may never emerge into light again? Well, this is the conclusion I came to. 

The reason we art majors are art majors is because we share a similar dream. What is that dream? That someday one of our very own pieces will hang in your home, in your office, on your lawn, in a renowned gallery. Maybe it's a far-stretched dream, but it is our dream. We share a love to create, a desire to express the inner being on an outer surface. Whether we work in clay or paint or chalk, we all want to be known as someone who creates beauty and inspires others to look at the world in a new light. 

Now let's think of some other majors. Finance, Economics, Biology, Chemistry, Nursing, again the list goes on forever. However, when a finance major finishes some big financial record, it's not something you want to hang on your wall as a memorandum of what they accomplished. When you have a new biological find you'll get praise and maybe you'll be in the books, but your find won't be found on the walls of the average citizen's home. As a nurse? Thanks for saving lives, but I'm not going to record your name all over my office because you helped my child when he was sick. 

But then there are the art majors. They've created a painting, maybe it's an abstract rendition of the community you grew up in or maybe it's a detailed painting of the scenic prairie. Where does that painting end up? In your home, in your office, but perhaps most importantly it engraves itself on your heart and in your mind. It becomes a symbol of you, although expressed by someone else. It comes to represent some part of your inner being, and is cherished by many for years to come. So when I'm not 'rolling in the dough' and I'm not 'making bank', that's okay. The perks of being an art major is that we are willing to drop our wallets on the counter and spend a fortune on supplies, all for the legacy we will leave for the future generations. The legacy that hangs in the home, in the office, in the heart. The legacy that is the perk of being an art major. 

My take on Success

Today I began my third semester here at BYU. This semester begins the series of semesters that will be filled with classes for my major, the classes I should enjoy the most. I began today with a technically-art-geared class that has more of a business ring to it. The class is called Creative and Critical Thinking and the focus of the class is to 'open our eyes' to the endless possibilities that lie ahead of us and to see the things we can do as an art major besides living in a cardboard box at the end of a dark alley. It was an awesome first day, but our teacher brought up an interesting question that gained a lot of diverse answers. What does success mean to you? (By this he meant when we will feel successful). As he read the responses of our class, I was truly shocked at how many people had written something about being famous or rich or having galleries all over the world. Is that what success means to you? Can you truly not be happy with yourself until you reach that goal? Because that is a lofty goal that, to be honest, may never be reached by most of us. Does that truly make us unsuccessful?

Let me tell you what my response was, or at least something like it. "Success for me is knowing that I am pleased with what I have done. There will always be someone who doesn't like your work, but if you like it then what else really matters?" You may now be thinking "Wow, James. That's good to say and all, but do you really believe it?" The answer to that is a simple yes. Now let me tell you why. 

I've loved art for a long time and as we all know good and well, art is subjective. Art isn't like math where there truly is only one right answer to an equation. It's not like science where you work to make one result. It's more like reading a book or watching a movie. While I love horror films, many people don't. While lots of people in the Mid-West like country music, I tend to despise the very name of country music. It's the same way with art. Not everyone loves surrealism or abstract. And when you are the creator of the work, you have to be tough in order to think about what people say, but also stand behind the work you have done. A weak artist simply cannot be pleased with what they do because there will always be someone who doesn't like it. For example: 

This is one of my favorite pieces that I have ever done. However, last year when I was displaying some art to my church ward, one of my best friends informed me that it was her least favorite and she didn't actually like it. At first I was a little hurt, but I still loved the piece. I knew the time and effort that I had put into this piece and I wasn't going to let one person's different opinion change how I felt about my work. In all the art classes I have taken thus far, we have had in-class critiques. There again you will listen to some people say they like the piece, others think you could add a little here of there, and then there will be those who honestly just hate your work. And that's okay! Because in the end, who are you trying to please? Who are you trying to voice through your work? If you've answered anyone other than yourself, I personally think you're missing the point. Art is about you expressing yourself. It's about your feelings, your desires, your personality. It's about the way you see the world. And so when you are pleased with your work, don't let others break you down by saying they don't like it. Let them have their opinions, and stand by your own. You and only you can create your work. 

In a later class (Art History actually), we discussed what art is and the professor displayed some quotes about art. I wanted to share a few of the ones that I loved, so here they are.

"Art is the most intense mode of individualism that the world has known."

Oscar Wilde

"Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time."

Thomas Merton

"All art is autobiographical; the pearl is the oyster's autobiography."

Frederico Fellini

And here I add my take on success and art: If you are pleased with what you've done, then what else truly matters?