Friday, January 17, 2014

Be Near Me...

It wasn't too long ago that I was in the same place I am now. Mourning the loss of a family member and wishing I had more time to spend with them. Last time it was my grandfather, and I hadn't even talked to him in a few years and was an ocean away from all of the family. This time it is my cousin, Mark, one of my many cousins who I don't know so well. But this time I'm literally a few blocks away. Same emotions though. An onslaught of questions. Why them? Why now? Why couldn't I have said good-bye? Or I love you, just one more time? These questions fill my mind, and while partially answered they remain partially open, waiting for a more concrete answer to fill the blank pages of my mind. 

The day I heard about my grandpa's death was Christmas Eve. We all knew he wasn't doing well, but I had a vain hope that he would somehow pull out of this health spell and I would be able to see him upon my homecoming from Iceland. Such was not the case. Instead, on Christmas Eve my heart was wrenched from me and I was left feeling confused and lost. Even with all of my family sending e-mails of comfort, and reassuring me that he was in a better place, I just didn't want to accept it. It wasn't his time. Mostly though, it was more that I wasn't ready for that. I wanted more than anything to have had the chance to say good-bye to him. 

Today I received the news that my cousin Mark had passed away. Although I really didn't know Mark, the exact same feelings came over me. Why? I hadn't even been able to get acquainted with him. I had briefly met his family when his daughter was baptized, but beyond that I don't know him or them. Yet there was still a heart wrenching feeling, and I wanted answers to my freshly written onslaught of questions. So, I turned on some hymns, crawled onto my bed to cry and began to search for answers. I don't know why really, but for some reason I wanted to read my patriarchal blessing and my grandfathers. So I pulled them out and cried while I read them. My grandfathers specifically mentioned fulfilling the mission that God had for him on this earth. While I thought on that, some of my question were answered. Mark too was given a mission on earth, and he has completed his mission. While none of us want him to be gone, it was time. We never know when our time will be so we must be ready at anytime. While I sat thinking on this a certain hymn came on that I want to end on. The hymn is "I Need Thee Every Hour", but I'd like to put the lyrics up in Icelandic, and I'll explain why after. 

Ver hjá mér hverja stund, þú hjartkær Drottinn minn. 
þín rödd mér fögnuð fær og friðarboðskapinn.
Ver hjá mér, ó, ver hjá mér; ver hér hverja stund. 
Ó, kærleiksríki Kristur ég kem á þinn fund.

Ver hjá mér hverja stund, með hjálparmáttinn þinn,
þá freisting frá mér snýr, er faðminn þinn ég finn.

Ver hjá mér hverja stund, í hjartans gleði og sorg, 
því annars er mér líf, sem auð og lokuð borg.

Ver hjá mér hverja stund, vor helgur frelsarinn,
þinn alltaf vera vil, ó veit það Drottinn minn. 

The reason I chose to use the Icelandic is for a few differences in the wording. Instead of "I need thee every hour" it says "Be near me every moment". This hymn meant a lot to me during my struggles while on my mission, and it has grown to be one of my favorite hymns, especially if said "be near me". It is times like this that I truly cry out to my Saviour, "be near me". I know that my cousin Mark is now near our Saviour, every hour and every moment. We truly miss you. 

Icelandic "I Need Thee Every Hour" translated:
Be near me every moment, my beloved Saviour.
Your voice gives me joy and a message of peace.
Be near me, o, be near me; be near every moment.
O, loving Christ I come to meet thee. 

Be near me every moment, with your helping power, 
direct me away from temptation, into your embrace.

Be near me every moment, in my hearts joy and sorrow,
otherwise my life is as a desolate and closed city.

Be near me every moment, our holy Saviour, 
I want to be thine, o grant me this my Saviour. 

Sunday, January 12, 2014

My light

If you're reading this, there are a few things you should know about me first. Neither of these things are well known because I hardly ever talk about either of them. The first, I have seasonal depression. This makes winters hard on me, especially when the days are short and night creeps up earlier and earlier every day.  The other little known secret about myself is that I really don't have that high of a self-esteem. Little things bother me all the time and I am constantly putting myself down and then picking myself up again. Sometimes when these two collide I don't know what to do with myself. It seems that I cannot find a light in my life. 

So, what does that have to do with this blog? Well, as I stated in my last blog I think New Year's resolutions are a failed attempt at changing oneself. So, I decided to go on a self-discovery journey. My original January thought was to look at what makes me unique and/or special. Well, the past few weeks have been more of a roller coaster of being down on myself than a "self-discovery journey". With that said, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I'm doing. As it says in one of the church building rooms, "Why am I doing this?" Today was one of those downer days. Funny because it was going great until I came home from a friends house, but that was when I took a downward spin. I sat at my desk thinking of the homework I needed to do, the dreaded 9-7 school day, and all sorts of other things. It all began to bog me down and I could feel myself slipping into my up and down depression. At this point I decided it was time to turn for comfort from a dear friend. This part will need some explaining though. 

When I left for my mission in Iceland my sister Jess gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon. It meant the world to me when I read the note she had written in the inside cover to me. I decided then that I would only use this copy on the hard days, and always in a certain way. When I read from this copy of the scriptures, I always say a prayer before I read, explaining to my Father in Heaven what it is that is troubling me and asking Him to guide me to a chapter that will help me. I then open the book to a random page and read the chapter that I open to. While this may sound crazy to some of you, it has worked for me every single time. It has softened an angry heart, instructed, and today lifted a downtrodden spirit. 

I read today from Mosiah chapter 2. When I opened to this page I laughed a little to myself. This has been a long time favorite scripture for me, and I was slightly confused as to what I could get from this chapter today. But as I began I saw a pattern. The beginning of the chapter is all about turning ourselves to the temple to hear the words of God. Later it talks about continually serving our God. One of my goals upon arrival in Utah was to attend the temple as often as possible since I was so close. This semester I have set a goal to go twice a week, an unfathomable goal back home, but a goal easily accomplished living so near to the temple. It was comforting to read this and to think of my own goals of drawing nearer to my Saviour. However, then a real kicker came in. I decided to read the note my sister wrote me in the front, and I'd like to share part of it with you. "[God] loves you so much, James, and is aware of you...Beware of self-doubt. Satan will try to convince you that you're not good enough. Don't let him! God has chosen you because He knows the strength within you." As I read those words I though about the situation I was in at the time. Downtrodden, unsure of myself, confused. My family knows me, but more importantly, my God knows me. My Father in Heaven knows me. He knows every time I begin to beat up on myself, and He knows what can help me get through. In Sunday School today we discussed the hard things we go through on this Earth. Why would anyone want to come here and go through all these trials?! Our teachers insight was that for everything we have that is hard or painful, there is an equal, or I'd dare say greater, blessing. Something that can lift the hearts of the downtrodden, to erase the pain of our world. Something that can be a light for all to see. That thing is the gospel. 

Occasionally we all lose of footing. We all go through days when we just don't know how much we can take. We question why we are here, what we are going to do to get through, how we can overcome our personal struggles. But there is an answer. The gospel of Jesus Christ is, as He said, a light upon a hill that cannot be hid. It is where I turn when I critique myself to the point of hating everything. It is where I turn when seasonal depression kicks up. It is where I find my light in life.