My light

If you're reading this, there are a few things you should know about me first. Neither of these things are well known because I hardly ever talk about either of them. The first, I have seasonal depression. This makes winters hard on me, especially when the days are short and night creeps up earlier and earlier every day.  The other little known secret about myself is that I really don't have that high of a self-esteem. Little things bother me all the time and I am constantly putting myself down and then picking myself up again. Sometimes when these two collide I don't know what to do with myself. It seems that I cannot find a light in my life. 

So, what does that have to do with this blog? Well, as I stated in my last blog I think New Year's resolutions are a failed attempt at changing oneself. So, I decided to go on a self-discovery journey. My original January thought was to look at what makes me unique and/or special. Well, the past few weeks have been more of a roller coaster of being down on myself than a "self-discovery journey". With that said, I have spent a lot of time thinking about what I'm doing. As it says in one of the church building rooms, "Why am I doing this?" Today was one of those downer days. Funny because it was going great until I came home from a friends house, but that was when I took a downward spin. I sat at my desk thinking of the homework I needed to do, the dreaded 9-7 school day, and all sorts of other things. It all began to bog me down and I could feel myself slipping into my up and down depression. At this point I decided it was time to turn for comfort from a dear friend. This part will need some explaining though. 

When I left for my mission in Iceland my sister Jess gave me a copy of the Book of Mormon. It meant the world to me when I read the note she had written in the inside cover to me. I decided then that I would only use this copy on the hard days, and always in a certain way. When I read from this copy of the scriptures, I always say a prayer before I read, explaining to my Father in Heaven what it is that is troubling me and asking Him to guide me to a chapter that will help me. I then open the book to a random page and read the chapter that I open to. While this may sound crazy to some of you, it has worked for me every single time. It has softened an angry heart, instructed, and today lifted a downtrodden spirit. 

I read today from Mosiah chapter 2. When I opened to this page I laughed a little to myself. This has been a long time favorite scripture for me, and I was slightly confused as to what I could get from this chapter today. But as I began I saw a pattern. The beginning of the chapter is all about turning ourselves to the temple to hear the words of God. Later it talks about continually serving our God. One of my goals upon arrival in Utah was to attend the temple as often as possible since I was so close. This semester I have set a goal to go twice a week, an unfathomable goal back home, but a goal easily accomplished living so near to the temple. It was comforting to read this and to think of my own goals of drawing nearer to my Saviour. However, then a real kicker came in. I decided to read the note my sister wrote me in the front, and I'd like to share part of it with you. "[God] loves you so much, James, and is aware of you...Beware of self-doubt. Satan will try to convince you that you're not good enough. Don't let him! God has chosen you because He knows the strength within you." As I read those words I though about the situation I was in at the time. Downtrodden, unsure of myself, confused. My family knows me, but more importantly, my God knows me. My Father in Heaven knows me. He knows every time I begin to beat up on myself, and He knows what can help me get through. In Sunday School today we discussed the hard things we go through on this Earth. Why would anyone want to come here and go through all these trials?! Our teachers insight was that for everything we have that is hard or painful, there is an equal, or I'd dare say greater, blessing. Something that can lift the hearts of the downtrodden, to erase the pain of our world. Something that can be a light for all to see. That thing is the gospel. 

Occasionally we all lose of footing. We all go through days when we just don't know how much we can take. We question why we are here, what we are going to do to get through, how we can overcome our personal struggles. But there is an answer. The gospel of Jesus Christ is, as He said, a light upon a hill that cannot be hid. It is where I turn when I critique myself to the point of hating everything. It is where I turn when seasonal depression kicks up. It is where I find my light in life.